» Time keeps ticking
I just have to accept that nothing I do will ever bring her back. Afraid of when it will truly sink in. May that child never see me not able to get out of bed. I keep having nightmares that I break down while I’m staying with her son over Christmas. He can never see me falling apart — cry, yes. Miss his mother, yes. But not able to get out of bed: never. In that same dream I have to ask a friend to rescue me — come and sneak me out of the house until I can breathe on my own again. I’ve never needed to do that and I never want to. Just scares me. It’s a relief though, that I know I could call that friend. Hoping that’s enough to keep it from happening, and doing what I can so I’m not continuing to lose it in December. Oh, I can’t wait for vacation. And don’t worry — I’m not going to fall apart during the break — I could use a happy hour, and a day of booze and board games, and I’ll be good. Bunch of guys letting a girl work the grill is good for my ego too =) I really think the turkey will be on time this year.
I find it interesting that friends want to set me up on a date. The time will come for me to get out there, it really will. But I need to take some time — I am not myself, and I can crutch onto someone when I’m in this state. I need a year. A year of mourning. A year of not smoking. A year to find my Self, which I’ve totally lost. Not sure how to find it, and maybe discovering myself while getting to know someone is not bad, but I just don’t think it’s a smart idea.
Of course, I’ll not going to close out someone if there’s a connection, but I just can’t be too risky right now.