» Rambling thoughts
Not quite a rant, venting session, or anything terribly cranky.
I’ve come to the realization that, until now, I haven’t had the confidence to seek a 100% relationship. I keep picking folks with a thousand commitments, or fall for someone I know the relationships can’t last but we’ll have fun in a way that no one gets really hurt. And of course I did get really hurt with the last one. I need to learn from that.
Scott lived 1,000 miles away. I chickened out on him — when he offered to move to transfer to MT when I was going through a hard time I called it off. Then there’s Chris — deputy sheriff, federal marshall, cell phone salesman, and 10 other jobs — of course I never saw him. He went into the army 2-weeks after we broke up. Len worked 2 jobs and was gone every summer. The crazy red-head volunteered like mad outside of work and frankly we only had a dozen good times in the whole two year mess.
And then I realize it. I’m attracted to myself. Distant, wandering, over-ambitious, over-extended. What was I doing through all that? Working three jobs while going to school full time. Working and school. Traveling. And now I still need to finish school and I’ve split my life between NJ and here. And here friends are moving again and I only have one person I can call up and go to a movie with and he’s gay. Tonight’s his birthday party, where I know I’ll see the friends who are moving and it’ll be one of the last times we see them before they go.
But I digress. I’ve decided to make my scattered life work for me. Before the new crop of faculty at work become younger than me I’m scoping them out. Seeking friends. We’ll see how it goes. Each year I see a new group — more social, less academic in their personal lives. This shift in culture gives me hope. I think I can actually end up with someone who totally has no problem with me leaving town every Wednesday night and most Saturdays — they have to do research and grade papers, so why not? I can have a relationship and my crazy life too and they can love me for it.
So, no more non-100% relationships.